


Taekwoon Wants, Too

by fuckingsherlock



Category: VIXX
Genre: Desperate Taekwoon, Emotional Roller Coaster, Honestly this fic is relationship goals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Patient Hakyeon, Podfic Available, Taekwoon is emotionally constipated and needs to work it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-02-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22692886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckingsherlock/pseuds/fuckingsherlock
Summary: Jung Taekwoon has led a successful life, filled with good health, a successful career, and loving friends. In spite of being an entire person himself, one of the greatest moments of Jung Taekwoon’s life is the minute Cha Hakyeon comes strutting in like he owns the god damn place.Give it two, three, maybe eight years of being colleagues and stage partners, and Taekwoon thinks he really does. He wishes Hakyeon does. God, please just let him take Taekwoon’s entire life in his hands already.[Podfic available here.]
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon | N/Jung Taekwoon | Leo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 38





	Taekwoon Wants, Too

**Author's Note:**

> This came to me near the end of a long bout of personal emotional constipation, and I tried to keep this as raw and unedited from the first draft as possible.  
> Happy Valentine's Day I hope you find a Hakyeon to ur Taekwoonie <3

Jung Taekwoon has led a successful life, filled with good health, a successful career, and loving friends. In spite of being an entire person himself, despite his innumerable success in the arts, one of the greatest moments of Jung Taekwoon’s life is the minute Cha Hakyeon comes strutting in like he owns the god damn place. Give it two, three, maybe eight years of being colleagues and stage partners, and Taekwoon thinks he really does. He wishes Hakyeon does. God, please just let him take Taekwoon’s entire life in his hands already.

It's seven years and twenty-one months of simultaneous yearning that finally find them on Hakyeon's bed. 

“God, I’ve been,” Taekwoon's face is grabbed in Hakyeon's hands, “Waiting my-” 

Hakyeon kisses him once fiercely mid-sentence on parted lips.

“Whole life,” Taekwoon's words are inhaled by Hakyeon, “for you.”  Another kiss; long and drawn out. This time so wanton and unfamiliar that Taekwoon feels his brain to mouth filter fizzle and pop into a million tiny bubbles.

And primitively, Taekwoon wants. He wants. Like he’s never wanted before. He rapidly can’t begin to imagine a rest of his life without Hakyeon and the intensity of this discovery is enough to jolt him back to his frayed senses. Hakyeon has pulled off both their shirts and suddenly it’s too much, the taste of their kiss lingers on his tongue and it’s too much. It’s too much.

“Stop-“ He sobs with Hakeyon’s mouth finding a home in the dip behind his earlobe. “Stop.” 

Hakyeon stops immediately and realises that Taekwoon is practically vibrating out of his skin in nervousness.

“Okay. It’s okay.”

Taekwoon silently holds up a hand and Hakyeon, blessedly good at understanding Taekwoon as he was, understands the message instantly: give me five minutes.

Taekwoon flees to the bathroom and tries to extinguish his bubbling anxiety. When the five-minute mark hits, the panic remains at bay, ready to teeter one way or the other, but Taekwoon supposes that that’s the best he’s going to get for now.

They regroup on the bed; Hakyeon sits crossed-legged and open, and Taekwoon can’t help kneeling formally out of the sheer discomfort for the situation. They’re both still shirtless and it would really be quite a ridiculous sight if Taekwoon didn’t look like he was about ready to have a nervous breakdown if Hakyeon so much as breathes in his direction.

There’s this moment of earth-shattering metaphysical distance between the two them. And Taekwoon finds that the words that had once been so so impossible to think, gush easily out of his heart and into the void of wrinkled bedsheets between them.

“All my life. All my life I’ve been waiting for you.” He says simply, still breathing hard. 

“Every time I started to wonder where the hell you were, and what the hell I did to deserve to be alone for twenty-eight years of my life while my friends were finding their wives and husbands in their own college seminars, I wondered what I had done wrong. Why wasn’t I enough for someone? Why was I never ready?” He inhales but it slots right into the flow of his frantic sentences. “I focused on getting better, both emotionally stronger and honing my skills. I worked and worked and auditioned and got rejected and I hurt and I got back up, and I made it but damn it I didn’t have anyone by my side. I was so strong because I had to be and I should but, but sometimes I really didn’t want to be. But I did it anyway.” 

There’s this dissonance of conflicting pride and desperation between being successful but wanting to find love that Taekwoon hopes he conveys to Hakyeon; someone who, just like everyone else around Taekwoon, seemed to effortlessly achieve both.

“Then you come walking into my life and flip me upside down and just- Fuck me over!” Hakyeon hadn’t expected the sudden burst of anger from Taekwoon. “And you think that I’m just another 'next one' in your life. As if I don’t know that there are only two ways this relationship can end. 

“So can you blame me? Can you blame me for being terrified of you? The power I inherently give you in this relationship because of how fucking much I need this to work. It’s like a noose, Hakyeon. I can’t live without you.” He exhales heavily, the tears he’d been holding in for lifetimes fall from his cheeks like fat droplets of rain. It would be a beautiful sight if it didn’t mean that Taekwoon was hurting.

“But fuck, I will live without you. I can. And I will if I have to. But-“ Taekwoon shifts forward, pressing a shaking hand onto the white crumpled sheets between them. A small gesture for anyone else, but a remarkable act of vulnerability from Taekwoon. 

Then, even more unexpectedly, Taekwoon pleads: “But that’s just it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to. Please, Hakyeon. Don’t take this away from me.”

Hakyeon is quiet. But Taekwoon really, really can’t handle Hakyeon being quiet right now. He doesn’t understand why someone so noisy chooses the most critical moments to shut the fuck up and God God God please say something say anythin-

“Taekwoonie.” The sheets between them no longer house Taekwoon’s pale hand. Instead, Hakyeon’s hot palms envelop his wrists and adjust forward enough to hold them against his racing heart. “Do you hear that?”

In an instant, they are worlds apart. 

Taekwoon is sure Hakeyon is speaking. But Taekwoon hears nothing except the roar of the ocean in his ears, or the rushing of wind on an autumn cliffside, as his trembling fingers stroke and feel the thump thump thumping of Hakyeon’s unbelievably strong heartbeat. He sees nothing but the contrast of his pale hand over Hakyeon’s sun-kissed chest.

Taekwoon does not deserve this. Hakyeon will, and must, move on to find someone greater than himself because Taekwoon has never been worthy of something so true. Loving, patient. Because no one can love Taekwoon as he is. They cannot. 

It’s a cruelty to the universe to rid Hakyeon of a rich future with a loving family and mutual affection. Taekwoon cannot bear Hakyeon’s children. Taekwoon cannot be the sun on Hakyeon’s tremulous stormy days.

Taekwoon is sure an eternity must have passed. Simultaneously, he isn’t. He is anchored to the Earth by only the miracle of Hakyeon still under his fingertips.

It’s the change of rhythm under his touch that pulls him back home. Hakyeon’s chest is taking on an odd hitching rhythm, and Taekwoon feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up on end immediately.

Taekwoon, at a loss of what to do, glances up at Hakyeon to seek guidance. And Hakyeon-

Hakyeon is. Hakyeon is crying?

But, he’s still smiling. And it’s something so wonderous because Hakyeon is regarding Taekwoon with this mixture of pity and awe and absolute adoration; he’s staring right through Taekwoon’s iron defences and right into Taekwoon’s hidden truths.

“Oh, Taekwoonie.”

Taekwoon’s vision blurs. Fuck fuck fuck.

“I don’t want any of that,” Hakyeon’s palm is searing into Taekwoon’s damp cheeks. It takes Taekwoon a second to realise what Hakyeon is talking about. Then another flush of absolute betrayal that his entire internal monologue hadn’t actually been as internal as he’d thought it was. “I don’t need any of that if you’re not in the picture, Taekwoonie.”

“No,” Taekwoon’s voice wavers. To deny in the face of one’s greatest desires is something remarkably admirable. But to Taekwoon, he doesn’t feel brave. Instead, he feels like an absolute coward. “You cannot know that.”

“You’re right,” Hakyeon agrees, and Taekwoon doesn’t have the energy to conceal the sob it tears out of him. “But I have no intention of letting you go. Listen,” Hakyeon instructs, and Taekwoon wants to obey immediately. Because this is something he can do for Hakyeon; he can follow his lead. He can be predictably Taekwoon. 

“You don’t know the future either, Taekwoonie,” Taekwoon scoffs meekly in disbelief. “I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that this is the end game right here and now, but it doesn’t need to be all or nothing today.” The tone of Hakyeon’s absolute conviction makes Taekwoon’s resolute perspective waver and wane. 

This is Hakyeon, he reminds himself. Taekwoon _knows_ Hakyeon. 

He knows how he works himself ragged for the sake of the other members, and how he has to hide the last of his instant ramyeon in his underwear drawer otherwise the others will take it, and that’s the only place that’s ‘off-limits’, and he knows Hakyeon has a horrible superstitious streak, and that sometimes logical reasoning is denied in the face of tarot cards, and that- That he.

Well, that Taekwoon loves him. 

He loves and trusts Hakyeon undeniably. And for once, Hakyeon is creating this logical pathway to discuss their relationship for the sake of logic-driven Taekwoon, and when Taekwoon recognizes just how unnatural of a tactic that is for Hakyeon, he is flooded by gratitude.

He is sure Hakyeon is still saying something significant, but as he watches the lips of Hakyeon’s pretty mouth move, Taekwoon notices how wonderful a shade of blush they are. How wonderful.

“Yes.” Taekwoon breathes. “I trust you.” He says because it’s not possible to bear any more of his heart open at this point anyway. “I will take whatever you are willing to give me.”

Hakyeon’s eyes are lit up with hope like the act of discovering something magnificent, then he blinks suddenly at Taekwoon’s phrasing. 

“Taekwoonie. I want to give you everything. I want to give you the world and its stars. I want to give you the language you need to unlatch the weights of your existence to just living. I want to be yours. But,” His voice softens, his thumb strokes against Taekwoon’s tense jaw. “I’ve always wanted to. You’ve just never believed that you could have this. Me. Us.”

Taekwoon considers this, eyes blinking owlishly, eyelashes batting away at the drying tear tracks. Hakyeon is right. Except, Taekwoon _still_ doesn’t believe that he can have this. And it’s not possible for Hakyeon not to notice this, of course. 

But, it seems Hakyeon is ready to help him learn this: that Taekwoon has a right to be happy. That his worth is not defined by his success, nor by others’ perceptions of himself. That he is allowed to have bad days and be moody and mourn the childhood he didn’t have. That, most of all, he is allowed to just exist, without feeling like a parasite to those around him. And Hakyeon is offering a hand to hold, as they will have to backtrack into the muddy waters of his past and remedy the traumas that had never been acknowledged and mourned. And suddenly, Taekwoon isn’t alone. 

And that’s enough.

“Okay.” Taekwoon replies simply.

“Taekwoonie?”

Taekwoon glances up. Hakyeon’s proximity startles him a little, and Hakyeon releases a giggle like Taekwoon is the most charming thing in the world. The peals of laughter are so medicinal, Taekwoon swears that he can feel the vice around his chest loosen fractionally.

“Kiss me,” Taekwoon demands before he can rethink the embarrassment behind it. And Hakyeon swoops in gratefully as if he’s been waiting for his word for a century. 

The bubbling in his chest and the heat in his abdomen would have scared him if it wasn’t now. If it wasn’t Hakyeon holding him and guiding them down onto the mussed bed, and it wasn’t their future he saw when he closed his eyes and tilts his head back in an arching motion of absolute surrender.

But it is. And it’s finally his too.

[ [Podfic available here.]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001457)

**Author's Note:**

> I don't usually do double author notes, but I wanted to leave a lil note at the end so I could input some personal perspective on the story without affecting the reading experience.  
> So!!! Sometimes I'm like. Taekwoon can be a prissy bitch but damn I guess I really love how honest he is about his grumpy side; even going as far as marketing that as his character. Personally, the fear of being unaccepted holds back my sharp tongue and my naturally grumpy disposition, and in recent years I've finally begun leaning into it. And people like Taekwoonie have helped me accept it as a possibly cute trait instead of something to dispose of immediately and deem cruel and evil.  
> Hakyeon's unadulterated, cringely loving nature has also helped me with my own experience of self-love, and this story is something that I needed to write to manifest my own desires. I feel like Taekwoon, fragile as he is, has truly achieved so much, and it's so so hard without love imo. Yes, I am whole, but I yearn for my future partner ridiculously and stupidly, and vicariously, I will make myself content through these what-ifs of inspiring characters.  
> Anyway. May you find that self-contentment with your less attractive sides, and if you're waiting for Them too, may you find your person soon.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic] Taekwoon Wants, Too](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23001457) by [fuckingsherlock](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckingsherlock/pseuds/fuckingsherlock)




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